Man In The Rain

September 27, 2014

Saturday

I can’t really remember how I got there, but I saw myself standing at a cobbled side-walk. I stared blankly ahead at the head-roof of a church behind an ivy-filled wall. I’m dripping wet. I saw vehicles passing by in such speed that would splash waters behind. My eyes dropped to the road and I saw the rains touching the ground like needles pricking an overstretched cloth.

Weird.

I lifted my head and I felt the drops of rain touching my skin; it felt wet and cold like it always had. The coldness outside mirrored the coldness inside me. I’m cold and I am ‘shamed.

I never really liked the rains; any cold wet thing. Never. But something about the rain today felt inviting. Its coldness quenching my thirst for renewal and its wetness washing away the pain I’ve been trying to burry deep.

Weird.

I saw the sky flashed with light and I wondered how it feels to be filled with breathless delight; how it feels like to be happy amidst the darkness. I want to be the waters of the rain dropping from the sky. I want to fall freely and feel the air directing me. I want to be the coldness the rain entails because I want to renew the damage the hot summer’s day brought. I want to be the lightning that lights up the sky because I know I’ll serve as the light in the dark.

But a deeper thought hit me like boulder truck that lost its control because the floor was slippery wet. I realized that falling prey to that humanly feeling called love is like being caught up in a heavy downpour; you’ll get wet once you stepped out of the covers and there’s no stopping it. But you have a choice to run back to get yourself covered up again but it’s too late because your spot’s already taken. And you’re still dripping wet. In your desperation to get a cover, you started running under the heavy downpour to look for a cover. And you found one but drying up will take time.

It’s funny how you can find a metaphorical connection between two earthly things; it’s like everything is connected and is explained by Einstein’s theory of relativity and religious skeptic’s theory of divine proportion.

The kiss of the rain is nothing like a Dementor’s kiss but it brings the same effect; cold, wet and all-consuming. But at the same time, it brings with it a feeling of renewal and refreshment.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Diary: Smash Into You

Dear Diary,

I woke today feeling all the feelings I felt yesterday in a conglomerate whole; big chunks of sadness, dashes of wishes of could-be’s and just almost a whole of day dreaming.

Yesterday, I was willing to run and never look back; run until my heart bursts and my lungs tired to take even the smallest amount of air. When you find yourself at a dead-end ,because you were stupid enough not to see the signs, all you have left is . . . nothing. Absolutely nothing. However, I couldn’t bring myself to regret the decisions I made that brought me face to face with the huge black wall meters away from me; my car’s break isn’t working.

There was the sense of foreboding but I didn’t heed the omens. Perhaps, my sense of wanting overclouded my judgement and turned me blind and now, there’s nothing left for me to see but oblivion. And the demons are mocking me with their distorted faces; teasing me for having fall prey to the trap of what they call love.

I will face them today . . . I will face him today and I will smile. Yes! I will smile and will remind my stupid crumpled-up-piece-of-paper heart to breathe and be strong and stop bleeding. I will smile like nothing’s happened, like everything was back to normal like before – before the little blue led light of my phone started blinking in sync with that One Direction song.

I will be brave. I have to.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

e-Blast #13: The Search For Answers

What is Philosophy?

There had been many traditions that existed – the tradition of the moon, the tradition of the sun, the Aleph, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam – that continues to explain the why’s and how’s of our existence. Albeit plausible, people still try to explore that unexplored terrains of human life in the hopes of finding what makes humans, human; some people search for intellectual power while some few, the believers, go out and search for the fountain of life.

Much of these expeditions are credited to our nature to wonder; our intrinsic and disobliging habit to doubt and ask about the forces that move around us. We believe that the universe is a web of interconnected chains connecting one being to another whether we know it or not.

Science tried to explain how the world began and true enough the explanation about the ‘God Particle’ seems to make a complete sense. Breakthroughs after breakthroughs and we thought that it would shed light but it shed less light and raised more questions.

I believe that what gave birth to philosophy is human’s endless search for that piece of information that will make him complete. He wonders, he asks, he doubts, gets little answers and then the process begins again until he finds what he really is looking for.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

e-Blast #12: Overboard of Everything

The Philippine Constitution is the highest law of our land and in that written document, we are all given equal rights to express thru whatever means we find suitable as medium. Also, we are entitled to our own opinions, however, there is something we often times forget; that we also should exercise caution in using that privilege.

In hindsight, entertainment body – MMI Live – announced that One Direction is going to have their first concert in the Philippines – On The Road Again Tour 2015. This announcement made a lot of fans hysterical because they have waited for four years for this to happen. The news were swarmed with stories about how a fan had to sell her iPad and other stuff just to be able to buy a ticket for the said event coined as the biggest concert of the year. Fans couldn’t possibly careless if they spend P17, 950 for a VIP ticket, P14, 800 for a diamond seat ticket, P7, 450 for a titanium seat ticket, P3, 775 for a gold seat ticket, P2, 220 for a silver seat ticket and P1,150 for a general admission ticket because what matters most is be there in support of One Direction and be a part of that momentous occasion.

In other countries, fans would usually cry during a One Direction concert due to extreme excitement caused by a neurochemical called dopamine. In the Philippines, fans cried because tickets for the supposed one night concert were immediately sold out in the first three hours of its sale. Thus, MMI Live have had to add additional date for the concert which fired yet another excitement.

Question, can we blame all these fans for behaving as such over a boyband they haven’t seen in person yet and who doesn’t even know they exist? Can we say that these fans are over-reacting and that they have gone overboard with this obsession?

I guess we can say that. Yes, it may seem that they are over-reacting, we can say that their obsession has gone overboard. But what we can’t do is stop them. Remember that we all have the privilege to express ourselves using whatever medium we see fit. The fans see One Direction’s songs as media that voices out their kept-in-the-closet-feelings-and-emotions. In a way, fans can relate to their songs because the lyrics actually voice those emotions out which they can’t voice themselves.

Recently, I came across a post of someone on Facebook saying she doesn’t understand the type of behaviour One Direction fans have; the way they react to issues involving the said boyband. She even made foul comments about it. What surprised me though is her next post, when someone made a negative comment about her favorite band. She defended her favorite band against bashers the way fans defend One Direction whenever someone throws a negative comment against them.

You see guys, sometimes we babble about something without even taking a second glance. We babble about what we see, how we feel, we talk about how others behave, what others look like, how someone looks like. We always throw the ball at someone thinking that it will never bounce back at our direction. What we failed to understand is, that life has disobliging habit of ricocheting stuff. It may not directly bounce back at you, but the walls will eventually lead the back to you.

That girl I was talking about earlier is a perfect example. She babbled about how One Direction reacts to issues involving the band. She found it stupid and crazy and obsessive. But when it was her favorite band that was ridiculed, she did just the same.

So we really need to be careful about expressing our thoughts out. Our thoughts can make or break lives, can destroy the world, can rebuild society, kill someone and can even bring someone back to life.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

e-Blast #11: The Death of Me

I just received the most saddest news in my life.

Earlier this week, it was announced that One Direction, the biggest boy band in the world today, are coming to the Philippines for their first concert in the country. Of course, fans can’t wait to buy the tickets which are expected to be sold out in matter of days. I’m one of those fans.

Unfortunately, earlier today, I received the most saddest news.

I offered my dad a proposition to borrow eight (8) thousand grand to buy a ticket for the concert and I promised to pay it after. Of course, being the person that I am, I watched my hopes get up, skyrocketing as high as it could reach. But when I received the news earlier, my hopes ran out of fuel and I watched it crashed on before my very eyes. No! Right before my very face.

In my twenty years of existence, I have never been happy. It’s always the same story over and over again; frustration after frustration, depression after depression. Life will fuck you and you’ll die… MISERABLY!

I never knew what happiness meant and I still don’t. How could I possibly tell? I have no point of reference?

I just really want to be happy. And my idea of achieving it is by doing things my way; do things that are based on my own. I hate being set back by chains that forbids me to do things of my own. I hate being caged in a four poster citadel where privacy, fun, and open-mindedness does not exist. I hate being being told every now and then I ‘I can’t have that,” or ‘I can’t do that,”!

I hate these feelings! I hate this situation! I hate this kind of misery! I hate this… life!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

e-Blast #10: Happy Momma’s Day!

10155199_644641532257031_172718312_n

Chona Marie Elas, my mother

Everybody knows Lily Potter right? And I will assume that everybody also knows what she did to save Harry from the wrath of Lord Voldemort. Heroic, really. And for all good reasons, even though she is just a fictional character in the mega series, Harry Potter, she’s still a woman to look up to.

And to site some more, everyone is familiar with Sushmita Sen’s answer in the Ms. Universe Pageant (1994). She was asked, “What is the essence of being a woman?” And then she answered: Just being a woman is God’s gift. The origin of a child is a mother, a woman. Woman is sharing, she shows a man what sharing, caring, and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman.” And by that, she redefined the word woman.

The Earth, as we know it, is referred to be as a woman; capable of fertilizing and reproducing. Maybe that’s the reason why a woman is born. She’s created not just to be a man’s partner, but she is also created to personify Earth and to give life to it. And because of that very reason, we came about into this world; enjoying its wonders and digesting its beauty.

Now I want to talk about my mom. Every year I send out lengthy messages during her birthday and mother’s day. This year, I’m doing the same. Actually, I tried to deviate from doing this because I dunno if she has the leisure to read it. However, an idea struck me. I thought of doing it anyway but this time, I’m gonna put to words what really is deep down my heart.

Our home is very different from others. We are not that expressive of our feelings for each other. Save of course for my mom and dad. They do that a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a whole lot! Anyways, I grew up to be an introvert person. I’m all about keeping my feelings inside no matter how much I want to show them. That’s the reason why I can’t really express one hundred percent of my love to my mom because it’s against status quo.

But you know what I learned in life (and the shows from the US that I am watching)? It’s that life is never fair. It will take the people you love whenever it wants to. And by that time, you should’ve said already what you should say to them. For me, that’s kind of hard to put into actions. But I have to because I don’t want to regret at the end.

That’s the time I started writing for them whenever special occasions would come.

Okay! So my mom. She really has a mixed up temperament. She can be moody at times and that irritates me. Sometimes. She’s like the weather personified! And then, there’s her attitude of being kuripot. Peace mommy! But you are! But I’m going to take that as something positive. If she succumbed to whatever we like and give those to us, we will be spoiled lads growing up. And that’s hard!

But you know what I love the most about my mom, it’s her courage and strength. Since 2006, when my father left the Philippines to work abroad, she took over the responsibility to keep our home intact and balanced. Imagine doing all the work from sun-up to sun-down. And to make the matters crazy, she did what fathers should do as well. She learned how to use hammers, saws, screw drivers, pliers, and did electrician stuff! I have never seen a super human before. But looking at my mom, I guess I have already. And to think she has three sons all of whom she can boss around, alright?

For the past years, I’ve seen her work her stuff hard. And I was just there, sitting in front of the laptop doing my stuff. I guess that’s one of the things I will never forgive myself of doing. I turned a blind eye there and I know I shouldn’t have. For God’s sake she’s my mom! My mom who went through a lot for us and I didn’t do even a single simple help to show how much I care for her; to show how much I love her. All I ever did was write! But I never practiced what I preached! And I still don’t, not even now.

I always use the “I’m doing my best at school to show how much I care” as an excuse for my actions. But truth be told? I don’t know if what I’m doing at school is even enough. Maybe for me it is, but for my mom maybe it’s not. After all, we view the world differently from one’s eye to another.

But one thing my mom doesn’t know is, every night I pray, I pray for her and dad. That He will always guide them, protect them, give them good health and to forgive them their sins so that when judgment day comes we will walk as one family into His kingdom. I always thank Him for giving me a mother who cares and a mother whose patience is like longer than the circumference of the world! I wouldn’t want it the other way around.

To my mom, just give me one year. And then after that, I will be able to repay all the sacrifices you did for me all through these years. One year and I’ll be taking you places you’ve only been dreaming to visit. One year and it’s my turn to serve you.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Posted in Feature | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

e-Blast #9: A Note I Wrote To God

P.S. This has got to be the first most honest, sincere, and a prayer that came from the heart I said to God.

Lord, thank you for this day because I was able to spend it with my friends who keep me from bursting into pieces whenever I feel like I crackin’. I am sorry if I lied to me mum earlier; I know I should’ve done what was needed to get done but I chose to ignore it and lied. I disrespected me mum and fooled myself to believing that I will get away from it – unscathed. Please forgive me.

Help me find peace in my heart, mind, and spirit Lord; help me find that balance. I am in a state of great confusion and extreme frustration. I don’t know how to feel, I dunno how to react, I dunno until when I can hold the pieces together. Help me find that peace again Lord. Help me find myself because only then can I understand what’s going on, and once I understand what’s going on, only then I’ll find answers to why things are as they are; only then I can find that balance again.

Amen.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment